


Ways We Say "I Love You"

by NicoAndTheNineGalaxies



Series: Modern DPS AU [2]
Category: Dead Poets Society (1989)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, Established Relationship, Fluff, How Do I Tag, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Kissing, M/M, Modern AU, Pansexual Character, Pansexual Charlie Dalton, Poetry, Secret Relationship, Self-Esteem Issues, Suicidal Thoughts, but cut them some slack, cameron doesn't exist in this au, it's canon you can't change my mind, kind of a filler fic, mainly because i'm done with his shit, they deserve happiness, todd and neil kiss a LOT
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-29
Updated: 2019-12-29
Packaged: 2021-02-25 02:28:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,079
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22008487
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NicoAndTheNineGalaxies/pseuds/NicoAndTheNineGalaxies
Summary: It quickly became routine.Todd would settle into Neil’s bed rather than his own as Neil finished up a paper or project, and then, usually just as Todd was starting to fall asleep, Neil would slip in beside him, pulling him closer and pressing a kiss to his cheek, or if Todd was more awake and coherent, his lips instead.  Todd would simply smile and nestle closer, and usually that would be it.Every night, without fail, they would just lay together, often without a word spoken, and fall asleep side by side, especially since Neil had made Todd promise not to go for another late-night walk in the snow.Sometimes, though, they would speak.Three times that their routine was interrupted, and all the ways they indirectly confess.
Relationships: Todd Anderson/Neil Perry
Series: Modern DPS AU [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1405339
Comments: 10
Kudos: 163





	Ways We Say "I Love You"

**Author's Note:**

> This isn't technically a chronological sequel to the first part of this series (which I recommend you read first, but it isn't necessary). This fic takes place between Neil and Todd getting together and the end of their school year.
> 
> I promise I'm still working on an actual sequel to the first fic, but I've hit something of a block and this was much easier for me to write, so I figured I may as well post it.
> 
> Enjoy!

It quickly became routine.

Todd would settle into Neil’s bed rather than his own as Neil finished up a paper or project, and then, usually just as Todd was starting to fall asleep, Neil would slip in beside him, pulling him closer and pressing a kiss to his cheek, or if Todd was more awake and coherent, his lips instead. Todd would simply smile and nestle closer, and usually that would be it.

Every night, without fail, they would just lay together, often without a word spoken, and fall asleep side by side, especially since Neil had made Todd promise not to go for another late-night walk in the snow.

Sometimes, though, they would speak.

Todd’s head was on Neil’s shoulder and he was half-asleep, content, warm.

Neil was less so.

“Hey, Todd?”

Todd lifted his head just enough to show that he was listening, forcing himself to open his eyes and meet Neil’s gaze, and he didn’t even need to ask what was wrong. The tension in Neil’s clenched jaw, the vulnerability in his eyes, and everything about his body language made it clear as day.

That was what happened, Todd supposed, when you spent practically every waking minute - and a fair amount of the sleeping ones, too - so close to someone. You learned their little quirks, their tells when they were hiding something, and the look in their eyes when self-doubt and an itch for a blade in their hand struck late at night.

“What do you need?” Todd asked, trying to keep his voice soft and calm, though it did scare him when Neil had that look in his eye, because one of the many times he’d seen it had been the night of the play as his father herded him to the car, and...well. That was a memory he didn’t particularly like to visit.

Neil shrugged, shaking his head minutely. “I don’t know. I just needed to tell you.”

Todd knew just how much weight that one sentence carried. After three years of trying to hide all of his darker thoughts, he was finally talking about them - and he finally _wanted_ to talk about them. “Okay,” Todd replied eventually, hooking his fingers around Neil’s hand, pulling it closer and pressing a kiss to his palm, not once dropping Neil’s gaze. “I love you, you know.”

Neil offered him a bittersweet smile in return. “I know.”

Todd knew that the little sleep Neil got that night was restless, but only because he stayed awake the whole time.

The next time there was a break in their routine, it was because of Todd.

Neil finished working, reaching to flick off the lamp beside his desk, but Todd stopped him.

“Hey, wait.”

Neil looked up, frozen just shy of the lamp’s off switch, and saw Todd sitting on his own bed, above the covers, scribbling something in a notebook. “Is everything alright?”

“Yeah, just...writing,” Todd said, his tone dismissive, slow, almost absent.

“Can I read it when you’re done?”

Todd paused for a moment, his brow furrowing. “Yeah. Sure.”

Neil smiled, though Todd’s attention had already drifted back to the page. “Okay.” He picked out a book and sat down on his own bed to wait.

A while later, he heard Todd take a shaky breath. “I’m done.”

Neil grinned, closing his book and setting it to the side, taking the notebook from Todd’s outstretched hand and scanning each line carefully, absorbing each word.

_i know i am in love_

_you say you are, and i know_

_you’d never lie to me_

_but at times, my darling_

_it seems the world is against us_

_and i wonder:_

_how can we make it through_

_these last few months_

_in a universe_

_where our existence,_

_our happiness,_

_and our late-night kisses,_

_the press of your way-with-words lips_

_against my wrist or my neck_

_or any other place you_

_can find my pulse_

_only means controversy?_

“Todd,” Neil breathed softly, almost reverently, in place of the words his mind couldn’t seem to supply.

“Yeah, I know, it’s stupid,” Todd interrupted, standing abruptly from his bed and snatching the notebook from Neil, tossing it onto his desk.

“No,” Neil protested. “Todd, I know this is hard sometimes - “

“Sometimes?” Todd repeated incredulously, his voice beginning to rise in both pitch and volume as he started pacing, avoiding Neil’s gaze. “So the fact that I can’t kiss you outside of this room isn’t a big deal? The fact that the only people who know are Charlie, Meeks, Pitts, Knox, and your goddamn father isn’t a big deal? The fact that - “ Todd’s voice broke as he finally looked Neil in the eye. “The fact that we have to pretend we aren’t together so much that it’s starting to feel like we really aren’t isn’t a big deal?”

Neil’s gaze dropped to the ground, his mouth open slightly as he searched for something to say. Eventually, he stood, placing a hand on the side of Todd’s face, his thumb stroking Todd’s cheek as soothingly as he could manage. “I had no idea you were feeling like this.”

“I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have raised my voice.”

“It’s okay,” Neil assured him. “You’re upset. I understand.”

Todd didn’t reply.

 _“Doubt thou that the stars are fire,”_ Neil began softly, _“doubt thou that the sun doth move. Doubt truth to be a liar, but never doubt I love.”_

Todd smiled ever so slightly, though it looked almost pained, and leaned into Neil’s hand. “That’s from Hamlet, isn’t it?”

“Yeah. How’d you know?”

“You can’t have a theater nerd for a boyfriend without picking up a few things.”

Neil just laughed, pressing his forehead to Todd’s. “Yeah, that’s fair. But are we...okay?”

“Yeah,” Todd said, his voice taking on that unusually decisive tone that only ever really showed around Neil. “I’m not frustrated with you, just the situation.”

Neil shifted just a bit closer, still leaving enough space that he could look Todd in the eye. “Next time you want to kiss me but can’t, or you start thinking about how we can’t act this way in public, just look at me, okay? Forget everything else. I’m always going to be right there.”

“‘Way-with-words lips,’ indeed,” Todd quipped with a slightly breathless chuckle.

“I love you,” Neil whispered, his hand on Todd’s face drifting instead to the back of Todd’s neck as he pressed a gentle kiss to Todd’s slightly-parted lips. They both seemed reluctant to pull away, but Todd eventually broke the kiss.

“We still need to sleep tonight, you know.”

“I know,” Neil said with a sigh.

Todd climbed under the covers of Neil’s bed, holding up the blankets so Neil could do the same. They laid there for a few moments, Todd tucking his head against Neil’s shoulder, the silence between them comfortably domestic.

“Love you, too,” Todd mumbled, turning his head to nestle into the crook of Neil’s neck.

He felt Neil’s laugh more than he heard it and let the steady rhythm of Neil’s pulse lull him to sleep, anxieties eased, if only for a while.

Todd was half-asleep when the sound of a knock on the door woke him.

He pushed himself up into a sitting position, his gaze darting around the room. It was dark, but he could see Neil asleep beside him. Reluctantly, he maneuvered out of bed without disturbing Neil and walked over to the door. “Who is it?” He whispered, just loud enough that he could be heard.

“It’s Charlie. I need to talk to you guys.”

“Neil’s asleep. Can it wait?”

“I’d rather it didn’t.”

Todd sighed, opening the door and rubbing his eyes. “What’s up?”

“Emergency Dead Poet’s Society meeting,” Charlie replied. “Can you wake Neil and meet me at the cave?”

“I guess. Have you got Pitts and Meeks?”

Charlie shook his head. “I just need to talk to you two.”

Todd opened his mouth to say something, though he wasn’t entirely sure what he wanted to say, but Charlie had disappeared down the darkened hallway before he could make a sound.

By the time they arrived at the cave, Neil looked as if he was ready to just sit down and fall asleep again, but Charlie started talking before he got the chance.

“Finally! I was starting to think you guys weren’t coming.”

“Well, I can’t say I’m overly enthusiastic about being woken up in the middle of the night,” Neil replied, leaning against Todd as they sat down against the wall of the cave across from Charlie. “What’s up, Char?”

Charlie took a deep breath, exaggerating the exhale and the movement of his shoulders, letting the silence stretch for a long moment, until finally - 

“I have a crush on someone.”

“You have a crush on a different girl every month, Charlie,” Neil pointed out, yawning. “What’s the big deal?”

“Let me rephrase that,” Charlie said. “I have a crush on a guy.”

 _That_ certainly woke Neil up.

“So that’s why you came to us,” Todd added, more of a statement than a question.

Charlie nodded. “I mean, I always figured if I fell for a guy, you know, that’s no big deal. Like, guys, girls, whatever else people identify as, we’re all just people, right? But shit, this feels like a big deal.”

“Who is it?” Neil asked, leaning forward.

Charlie’s face flushed. “I’m not telling.”

“Do we know him?”

“My lips are sealed, Perry. You’re not getting anything out of me.”

“Why do you need our help?” Todd cut in.

Something flickered in Charlie’s gaze that looked absurdly close to self-doubt. “I don’t know how to tell him.”

“So you want to tell him?” Neil asked.

“Of course I want to tell him!” Charlie insisted. “But he always likes to say that I’ll flirt with anything that moves, and I’m...I’m worried he won’t believe me.”

“You can figure that out if it happens at all,” Todd said. “If you guys are friends, he’ll trust you if you say you like him.”

“It’s almost the end of the year,” Charlie protested, a note of uncertainty in his voice. “Maybe I should just forget it.”

“If you want him to know, let him know,” Todd advised.

“How did you guys do it?” Charlie asked. “How did you get together?”

Todd glanced at Neil, meeting his gaze for a moment and allowing himself a small smile. “I just told him, I guess.”

“It was a little more than that,” Neil teased, nudging Todd’s knee with his own. “But we basically both confessed, and we decided that we wanted to be boyfriends, and...that was it.”

“You make it sound so easy,” Charlie complained. “Weren’t you freaking out?”

“Yeah,” Todd replied.

“Only a little,” Neil added.

“So how did you do it?”

Todd’s eyes drifted to the point where Neil’s leg was still pressed against his. “I trusted him.”

He could feel Neil watching him, and even without looking, he could feel the spark of admiration in his boyfriend’s expression.

“Do you trust your crush?” Todd asked, not even glancing up.

“Yeah.”

“Then you’ll figure it out.”

After a lengthy, peaceful silence, Charlie thanked them both and left, saying something about getting some sleep. Todd, still tired and thoroughly distracted by Neil’s warm presence beside him, barely noticed.

“So you trust me, huh?” Neil asked.

Todd could hear the grin in his voice. “You seem surprised.”

“No, I’m just happy. Coming from you, that...it means a lot.”

Todd finally looked up at that, leaning in to press his lips to Neil’s, feeling Neil smile into the kiss, somehow conveying both his surprise and delight that Todd had made the first move. After a minute or two of exchanging slow, lazy kisses, Neil pulled away just an inch to catch his breath.

“I really do trust you,” Todd said after a moment.

Neil kissed him again before taking his hand and pulling them both to their feet. “Come on, if we fall asleep here, Nolan’s going to have our heads.”

Todd just laughed, letting Neil wrap an arm around his shoulders and guide him back to the school.

When they were back to their room, Todd grabbed his notebook from his desk, curling into his usual place in Neil’s arms, and began to write.

_ways we say_

_“i love you:”_

  * _i just needed  
to tell you_



  * _i’m always going to be  
right there_



  * _i really do_  
 _trust you_



  * _and lastly -_ _  
_ _my favorite -_ _  
_ _a kiss._



**Author's Note:**

> Charlie, ever the dumbass, does not confess to his mystery crush before the end of the year.
> 
> On the subject of that, who do you think his mystery crush is?
> 
> :)
> 
> Nico x


End file.
